Head: It’s Not What You Said, It’s How They Heard It: Why NLP Is The Term to Know Now

People don’t react to our words; they respond according to their internal filters, logical levels and internal representations of what we have said. This is a key truth I use when coaching on feedback within multigenerational teams — but what does it actually mean?

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) helps us understand that each individual has their own internal map and territory of the world. This map is shaped by filters such as, but not limited to, beliefs, memories and values, as well as our logical levels, which include skills, environment, identity and purpose. All of these internal representations influence how we accept, receive and give feedback. For example, I was brought up in a small northern household where feedback was often given and autonomy was always encouraged. This became part of my internal map and how I process feedback and language from others. What some may interpret as blunt or direct, I perceive as authentic feedback and trust.

To use this in the context of a team framework: as a generalisation, a Millennial (born 1981–1996) may offer direct feedback, which could trigger what a Boomer (born 1946–1964) internally recognises as disrespect. Meanwhile, a Gen Z (born 1997–2012) employee may hold mental wellbeing and psychological safety as essential within the workplace, whereas a Gen X (born 1965–1980) individual may interpret this as oversensitivity. These are generalisations, of course, but what NLP helps us understand is that words are often neutral until they are internalised, filtered and represented into what individuals hold as true.

Whether in the workplace or in personal life, NLP helps us bridge the gap between what is being said and what is being received through tools such as clean questioning, language filters and feedback techniques. These tools teach us how to effectively give and receive feedback across multigenerational teams. Companies and individuals that rely on blanket feedback systems — such as standard performance reviews or generic team meetings that have not been tailored or thoughtfully structured — are not evolving, and may be forfeiting future retention and the overall mindset wellbeing of their employees.

Taking the time to pause and reflect on who you are addressing your feedback to and how they might perceive the words, with all their filters and logical levels in mind, can make a profoundly lasting impact. For example, consider what environment is being used (office, coffee shop, walk, open arena), what facial and body cues you are using (mirroring, hand movements, posture), and the words you choose. Truly hear what the other person is saying, how they interpret the feedback, and remain curious. The key is not simply to deliver criticism; it is to open a safe dialogue about how the team or person is performing.

Wellbeing within the workplace has evolved and is increasingly at the forefront of many companies’ priorities. Some organisations use wellbeing as a KPI, while others include wellness within their vision statement. What we want to avoid is wellness becoming merely a “tick-box” exercise. With Generation Alpha entering the workplace within the next five years, we will see a new way of thinking — one where wellbeing and mindset health are key expectations for any employee. The language we use, and when we use it, is the foundation and the simplest way to show up effectively, be curious, and demonstrate that you truly care about your employees.

Ultimately, communication is connection. When we take time to focus on how others might hear us — not just on what we intend to say, we build an environment of trust, safety, open communication and genuine wellbeing. It's in these everyday moments of honest and thoughtful communication that real cultural change can happen.