If You’re Not Horny, Are You Even Healthy? Let’s Talk About Libido (For Real)

We need to stop pathologising low libido. Feeling less desire doesn't mean you're broken. It may just mean your body is trying to tell you something. And here’s the thing: the issue isn’t just about not feeling horny. It’s about not understanding what fuels desire, what dims it, and why it shifts. Because libido isn’t a switch, it’s a signal. And ignoring it is where the real problem starts.

Let’s start with the basics: your libido is rooted in biology. Estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, dopamine and oxytocin: they are all working in the background, constantly adjusting and subtly shaping how you feel, connect, and respond to intimacy.

In women, this shows up as a natural rhythm that changes across the menstrual cycle, with hormonal contraception, menopause, postpartum, or stress. This is why one week you feel completely switched off, but the next week you’re suddenly craving connection again. In men, low testosterone, chronic stress, poor sleep, or an unbalanced lifestyle can have the same effect. None of this makes you broken, it makes you human.

Expecting to feel “always on” is simply unrealistic. Even that pressure alone can block the very systems that support desire in the first place.

‍What your libido might be telling you

When a client tells me, “I’ve lost my libido,” I don’t jump to solutions. I ask questions: what’s changed? How are you sleeping? Eating?

Most of the time, these clients are women in their 40s, working full-time, with kids and zero time for themselves. Their first thought is always “something’s wrong with me,” but the truth is that their body has simply gone quiet from burnout.

So we start small. Ten minutes of solo time, less screen time, a bath before bed (yes, even if there are kids around; because unless you actively create space for pleasure, it won’t just show up). And within a few weeks, the desire often comes back. That’s the truth about libido. It’s not a problem to fix. It’s a signal to decode.

Rethinking what “healthy” really means in bed

We obsess over numbers (weight, calories, cortisol) but rarely check in on how connected we feel to desire. And yet, your libido can be one of the clearest signs of your emotional and physical health.

Let’s be clear: a healthy sex life doesn’t look the same for everyone. Why? Because it’s not about how often, how long, or how intense. It’s about curiosity and staying in tune with your now. Yes, desire evolves, and the more you stay connected to it, the easier it is to keep it alive.

The good news? You don’t need a total life overhaul to feel it again. Sometimes all it takes is one shift followed by another. Let me share 3 tips to boost libido that you could start doing tonight.

‍Play the ‘I want you most when…’ game

Once a week, say one thing that makes you crave your partner. This doesn’t have to be sexual, it could be something as simple as, “I want you most when you talk and touch my hands at the same time.” Desire grows when you’re both seen and reminded that you’re still turning each other on.

‍Rediscover solo pleasure

If you don’t have anyone to play with yet, no problem. Pleasure doesn’t start with your partner; it starts with you. Make time for self-touch without pressure. Explore different sensations and rhythms, and let’s not forget that a good sex toy helps! I’m the in-house sex coach at Smile Makers, and The Poet is a great tool to reconnect you with your own arousal.

‍Stop repeating what doesn’t work

So many people stick to the same sexual script even when it’s not exciting anymore. Booooring! Change something: a new position, a different setting, (what about in the back seat at a drive-in cinema?) or a new toy? Even small changes can reawaken the body. I often say sex is like a Lego set: if you build the same thing every time, you lose the fun.

‍Overall, just listen to the signal

If your libido feels low, don’t ignore it, but don’t panic either. It’s better to ask yourself, “Is my body asking for something else?”

Your desire deserves attention, not judgment. Remember: it’s not about being always on, it’s about being aware. So, tune in. Care for it and learn more about how it works! It’s time to think about pleasure not like a luxury but as an essential part of your health.